When Siblings Don't Help with Dementia Care: How to Cope and Move Forward

When you're providing round-the-clock care for your parent with dementia and your siblings are living their normal lives as if nothing has changed, the anger and betrayal cut deep. You've asked for help. You've explained how hard it is. You've sent updates about Mom's declining condition. But your brother still only visits once a month and your sister keeps saying she's "too busy" to help. They text occasionally to ask how things are going, then go silent when you tell them the truth about how much you're struggling.

You watch their social media posts showing vacations, dinner parties, and weekend activities while you haven't had a full night's sleep in months. They have careers, marriages, and hobbies while your entire life has been consumed by caregiving. They talk about Mom like they're equally involved, but you're the one changing her clothes, managing her medications, and dealing with her 3 a.m. confusion. The inequity is staggering, and the resentment is eating you alive.

This dynamic destroys families. The caregiver sibling burns out and becomes bitter. The non-helping siblings either don't realize the burden they're avoiding or justify their absence with excuses. By the time the parent dies, siblings often aren't speaking. But it doesn't have to reach that point. Understanding why siblings don't help, what you can realistically expect, and how to protect yourself emotionally and practically can help you survive this with less damage.

In this guide, you'll learn why siblings avoid helping even when the need is obvious, how to cope with anger and resentment, what to do when siblings won't change, how to protect yourself and make unilateral decisions, and how to preserve (or let go of) sibling relationships during this crisis.

If You Only Do 3 Things in the First Week

Why Don't Siblings Help Even When the Need Is Obvious?

Short answer: Reasons include denial about the parent's decline, avoidance of painful reality, assumption that you have it covered, guilt that prevents engagement, geographic or life circumstance barriers, unresolved family dynamics, and sometimes genuine selfishness or lack of care. Understanding why doesn't excuse it, but helps you stop taking it personally.

Common Reasons Siblings Don't Help

• Denial about the severity: They see Mom once a month when you've gotten her cleaned up and calm. They don't see the daily reality and maintain the illusion that everything's manageable.
• Avoidance of painful reality: Watching a parent deteriorate is devastating. Staying away protects them from pain while transferring the burden entirely to you.
• Assumption you've got it covered: You've been managing so far, so they assume you're fine. They take your competence as evidence that help isn't needed.
• Guilt creates paralysis: They feel guilty about not helping, and that guilt causes more avoidance. Engaging would mean confronting their guilt.
• Waiting to be told exactly what to do: Some genuinely want to help but don't know where to start. Instead of taking initiative, they wait for explicit instructions.
• Different relationship with the parent: If a sibling had a difficult or abusive relationship with your parent, they may feel the parent doesn't deserve their sacrifice.
• They're truly overwhelmed with their own lives: Work stress, health problems, financial strain. Though it's worth noting: so is yours, plus caregiving.
• Geographic distance feels insurmountable: Rather than finding ways to help from a distance (money, research, phone coordination), they use distance as a blanket excuse.
• Selfishness or lack of empathy: Sometimes the hard truth is that some siblings just don't care enough to sacrifice their comfort.
• Old family roles persist: If you've always been "the responsible one," those patterns persist even in crisis.

Understanding these reasons doesn't make the situation less painful or unfair. But it helps you stop asking "why won't they help?" and start asking "what do I do now that they're not helping?"

For more on how to directly ask siblings for help before giving up, see our guide on how to ask siblings for help with dementia care.

How Do I Cope with the Anger and Resentment?

Short answer: Acknowledge the anger is valid and justified, express it safely (therapy, support groups, journaling), stop suppressing it to keep peace, set boundaries with siblings even if it damages relationships, and channel some anger into action (making unilateral decisions, using parent's money for care, reducing your own involvement).

The anger you feel is legitimate. Suppressing it to maintain family harmony destroys you from the inside.

Validating Your Anger

• Your anger is completely justified. You're not being petty. You're carrying an enormous burden alone while others benefit from avoiding it. This is objectively unfair.
• Anger is better than depression. Anger gives you energy. It tells you something needs to change. Suppressing anger often leads to depression.
• You're allowed to resent them. Resentment is a sign that your boundaries have been violated repeatedly.
• Anger protects you from being exploited indefinitely. Without anger, you might martyr yourself forever.

Expressing Anger Safely

• Work with a therapist. A safe place to express rage without judgment and process it productively.
• Join a caregiver support group. Other caregivers understand sibling abandonment intimately. See our guide on support groups for dementia caregivers.
• Journal uncensored. Write everything you're angry about. Don't censor it. Get the raw fury out on paper.
• Physical release. Exercise, punching a pillow, screaming in your car. Anger is physical energy that needs discharge.
• Tell people the truth. Stop protecting your siblings by saying "everyone helps how they can." Tell people the truth.

For more on recognizing when anger signals severe burnout, see our guide on signs of caregiver burnout.

What Should I Do When Siblings Won't Change Despite Clear Needs?

Short answer: Stop asking or hoping they'll help. Make unilateral decisions about care. Use your parent's assets to fund professional help. Reduce what you're personally doing to sustainable levels. Document everything for legal protection. Accept that sibling relationships may not survive this.

Stop Waiting for Them to Change

• Accept they're not going to help. This is the hardest step but most important. They've shown you who they are. Believe them.
• Stop updating them about how hard it is. If they wanted to help, they would. Continuing to tell them just makes you feel worse.
• Stop asking for their input on decisions. If they're not contributing time or money, they don't get equal say.

Take Unilateral Action

• Use your parent's money to pay for care. If you have financial POA, use your parent's resources to hire help. Their money should be spent on their care, not preserved for inheritance while you destroy your health.
• Hire professional help without siblings' permission. Home health aides, adult day programs, housekeeping, meal delivery—whatever reduces your burden.
• Make care decisions alone. If you have healthcare POA, make decisions with her doctor. You have the legal authority. Use it.
• Reduce your own involvement to sustainable levels. You're not obligated to provide 24/7 care that destroys your health just because siblings won't help.

Set Firm Boundaries

• Stop being available on their schedule. Don't drop everything when they finally decide to visit.
• Stop covering for their absence. When Mom asks where her other children are, tell the truth: "They're busy with their lives."
• Limit contact if it's harmful. If talking to siblings makes you feel worse, reduce contact to business-only communication.

Document Everything

• Keep records of all care decisions and expenses. If siblings want to challenge your decisions later, documentation protects you.
• Track who helps and who doesn't. Note when you ask for help, whether they respond, what they contribute.
• Document Mom's needs and your efforts. Evidence of her actual condition and care requirements.

For more on getting necessary breaks from caregiving, see our guide on respite care options.

How Do I Protect Myself Legally and Financially?

Short answer: Ensure you have proper POA documentation, keep meticulous records of all financial transactions, don't use your own money for parent's care, get written agreements if you're being compensated, consult an elder law attorney if siblings are hostile, and understand that POA authority protects you if you're acting in the parent's best interest.

Legal Protections

• Have proper power of attorney documents. Financial POA for managing money and assets, healthcare POA for medical decisions. If you don't have these and your parent still has capacity, get them immediately.
• Understand your POA authority. POA means you can make decisions on your parent's behalf without siblings' permission. As long as you're acting in the parent's best interest, you're legally protected.
• Consider co-POA carefully. If you're primary caregiver, sole POA is often more practical than requiring all siblings to agree on decisions.

Financial Protections

• Never use your own money for parent's care. Use their resources first. Track every penny you spend of theirs and keep receipts.
• Keep meticulous financial records. Bank statements, receipts, contracts with care agencies. Documentation is your protection.
• Consider a caregiver agreement. If you want to be compensated from parent's assets, have an attorney draft a caregiver agreement documenting payment for services rendered.
• Don't let siblings guilt you about spending parent's money. "But that's our inheritance!" is not valid. Mom's money exists to fund her care, not to be preserved for children.
• Be transparent but don't ask permission. Providing financial updates is reasonable. Asking permission to use parent's money for necessary care is not required if you have POA.

When to Consult an Attorney

• If siblings threaten legal action or challenge your POA
• If you're using significant assets (selling parent's house, spending down large sums)
• If family conflict is severe and mediation might help
• If parent needs Medicaid (complex rules about asset transfers)

For more on making difficult care decisions, see our resource on when to know it's time for memory care.

Should I Try to Preserve the Sibling Relationships or Accept They're Damaged?

Short answer: It depends on whether siblings acknowledge the inequity and are willing to repair, or whether they're defensive and dismissive. Some relationships can be rebuilt after caregiving ends. Others can't and shouldn't be preserved at the cost of your wellbeing. It's okay to let go.

Factors to Consider

• Do they acknowledge how much you've done? If siblings can admit "you carried the burden and we didn't help enough," there's potential for repair.
• Are they willing to make amends? After the parent dies, do they want to help with arrangements or provide support? Actions matter more than apologies.
• Is maintaining the relationship good for you? Some people value family connection enough to forgive. Others find continuing relationships too painful. Both are valid.
• What does your gut tell you? If you feel relief at the thought of never seeing certain siblings again, that's information.

Approaches to Damaged Sibling Relationships

• Take a break after caregiving ends. You don't have to decide immediately how relationships will look long-term.
• Set conditions for reengagement. "I need you to acknowledge that I carried this burden alone and that hurt me."
• Accept a different type of relationship. Maybe you can't be close, but you can be cordially distant.
• Let go entirely if necessary. Some relationships don't survive. If continuing requires suppressing your anger, letting go is healthier.
• Forgiveness is optional. You're not morally obligated to forgive siblings who abandoned you. Either outcome is okay.

What Should We Expect After the Parent Dies?

Short answer: Expect complicated grief mixed with relief, potential sibling conflict over estate and funeral decisions, non-helping siblings suddenly wanting involvement, your own identity crisis without the caregiver role, and long-term resentment that may or may not heal over time.

Common Post-Death Scenarios

• Siblings suddenly want to be involved. They want input on funeral arrangements and estate settlement. Their absence during caregiving but presence now can be infuriating.
• Fights over estate and possessions. Siblings who didn't help often still expect equal inheritance. They might challenge your financial management. This is where documentation matters.
• Your grief is complicated. You've been grieving for years. You might feel relief, numbness, or less acute grief than expected, which causes guilt.
• Siblings might expect you to do all funeral and estate work too. Set boundaries immediately about what you will and won't do.
• You might need space from siblings. Taking months or years away after parent's death is normal and healthy.
• Some relationships will never recover. Years later, you might still feel the betrayal. Some sibling relationships end permanently. All outcomes are valid.

For more on processing the complex grief of dementia caregiving, see our guide on grief and ambiguous loss in dementia.

How CareThru Can Help You Manage Care Without Sibling Involvement

When siblings aren't helping, you need to be even more organized about care management since you're doing everything alone.

CareThru helps you track all caregiving tasks, medical appointments, medications, and decisions so you have clear documentation of everything you're managing. This record can be valuable if siblings later question your decisions.

You can document requests for help and sibling responses (or lack thereof). This creates a clear record of who was and wasn't involved, which matters for both your own validation and potentially for legal situations.

If you hire professional help, CareThru helps you coordinate schedules, store contact information, and track what services you're using and what they cost.

Frequently Asked Questions About Siblings Not Helping

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for legal advice, family therapy, or professional mediation. Consult appropriate professionals for guidance on legal issues, family conflict, and care decisions.

Final Thoughts: You Deserved Better From Your Siblings

You didn't deserve to carry this burden alone. Your siblings should have helped. The fact that you're the only one doing this isn't because you're the strongest, the most capable, or the most loving. It's because you showed up and they didn't. That's on them, not you.

You've probably spent hours trying to understand why they won't help, hoping they'll change, waiting for them to suddenly realize how hard this is and step up. But understanding their reasons doesn't fix the situation, and hope without action is just prolonged disappointment. At some point, you have to accept reality: they're not helping, and they're not going to help.

That acceptance is devastating. It means losing the siblings you thought you had, the family support you expected, the shared burden you deserved. But acceptance also frees you. Once you stop waiting for them to change, you can make decisions that protect yourself. You can use your parent's money for care. You can hire help. You can set boundaries. You can even step back from caregiving if it's destroying you.

Your siblings' abandonment will likely change your relationships with them permanently. Some of those relationships may not survive this, and that's sad, but it's not your fault. You showed up. They didn't. That's the reality, and you're allowed to be angry about it for as long as you need to be.

For more support on your caregiving journey, explore our resources on respite care options and signs of caregiver burnout. You deserve help, even if your siblings won't provide it.