How to Ask Siblings for Help with Dementia Care: A Guide to Getting Support

When you're caring for a parent with dementia and your siblings aren't helping, the resentment builds. You're managing medications, doctor appointments, bathing, meal preparation, and all the exhausting daily tasks while your brother visits once a month and your sister sends occasional texts asking "how's Mom doing?" They have no idea what you're actually dealing with, and when you try to explain how hard it is, they change the subject or say "you're so good at this" as if that's a reason for you to keep doing everything alone.

You've dropped hints. You've complained. You've hoped they'd notice you're drowning and offer help without being asked. But nothing changes, and now you're exhausted, angry, and don't know how to ask for help without starting a family war. Maybe you're afraid of being seen as weak or unable to handle it. Maybe you worry that if you ask directly, they'll say no, and that rejection will hurt worse than suffering in silence.

But here's the truth: your siblings probably don't realize how much you need help, or they're avoiding the reality of your parent's decline, or they're assuming you have it covered. Most sibling conflicts around caregiving come from poor communication, not from siblings being deliberately cruel. Learning how to ask for specific help, set boundaries, and manage the dynamics can transform a one-person burden into shared responsibility.

In this guide, you'll learn how to have productive conversations with siblings about sharing dementia care, specific scripts that work, how to handle common objections and excuses, when to involve outside mediators, and how to protect yourself when siblings still won't help.

If You Only Do 3 Things in the First Week

Why Is It So Hard to Ask Siblings for Help?

Short answer: Asking feels vulnerable and risks rejection, family dynamics and old roles make communication difficult, you may feel obligated as the "designated" caregiver, and siblings may be avoiding the reality of your parent's decline or have their own complicated feelings about caregiving.

Before you can ask effectively, it helps to understand why asking feels so impossible.

Psychological Barriers to Asking

• Fear of appearing weak or incapable: You've always been "the responsible one," and admitting you can't handle everything feels like failure.
• Hope they'll offer without being asked: You keep thinking "surely they'll notice how hard this is and step up." Asking explicitly feels like admitting they don't care enough to volunteer.
• Fear of rejection: If you ask directly and they say no, that confirms your worst fear: you're alone in this.
• Guilt about asking: Maybe you live closest, or you volunteered initially, so you feel like you don't have the right to ask for help now.
• Not wanting to start conflict: Your family might have a history of avoiding difficult conversations.

Family Dynamics That Complicate Asking

• Old sibling roles persist: The "responsible" one keeps being responsible. The "flaky" one stays flaky. These childhood patterns are remarkably persistent.
• Geographic distance seems like a valid excuse: Siblings who live far away use distance to excuse themselves from all forms of helping.
• Gender expectations: Daughters are still expected to be primary caregivers far more than sons.
• Financial disparities: Income differences create assumptions about who should contribute what.
• Complicated feelings about the parent: If a sibling had a difficult relationship with your parent, they may be less motivated to help.
• Avoidance of mortality and decline: Some siblings can't emotionally handle watching a parent deteriorate.

Understanding these dynamics doesn't excuse siblings who won't help, but it helps you approach conversations more strategically.

How Should I Prepare Before Talking to Siblings About Help?

Short answer: Document all current care tasks and time involved, identify specific types of help each sibling could provide, gather information about your parent's condition and needs, choose the right time and format for the conversation, and prepare yourself emotionally for resistance.

Don't go into this conversation unprepared or overly emotional. Strategic preparation increases success.

Step 1: Document the Reality of Caregiving

Make a comprehensive list of everything involved in your parent's care:

• Daily tasks: Medication management, meal preparation, personal care (bathing, dressing, toileting), supervision, emotional support.
• Weekly/monthly tasks: Grocery shopping, medical appointments, prescription refills, bill paying, financial management.
• Time commitment: Estimate hours per week you're spending on caregiving.
• Financial costs: Your out-of-pocket expenses for gas, meals, medications, supplies.
• Impact on your life: Lost work hours, impact on your health, effect on your marriage or children.

Step 2: Identify What Help You Need

Be specific. "I need help" is too vague. Consider:

• Hands-on care help: Taking over certain days, managing specific tasks, providing respite.
• Financial help: Contributing to in-home care, paying for adult day programs, covering costs.
• Decision-making and research: Evaluating care options, attending meetings, researching resources.
• Logistical help: Handling paperwork, making phone calls, coordinating services.
• Emotional support: Regular check-ins, being available to talk, showing up for family meetings.

For more on recognizing when you need help, see our guide on signs of caregiver burnout.

What's the Best Way to Start the Conversation?

Short answer: Schedule a dedicated family meeting with advance notice and a clear agenda. Frame it as "we need to make a plan together for Mom's care" rather than "I need you to help me." Start with facts about Mom's condition and needs before discussing who will do what.

Set Up a Formal Family Meeting

• Send a meeting request with specific time and date: "We need to have a family meeting about Mom's care. Can everyone make time for a video call next Sunday at 2 p.m.?"
• Provide an agenda in advance: "We'll discuss: Mom's current condition and needs, what her care involves right now, how care will increase, and how we can share responsibilities."
• Choose the right format: In-person is ideal but video call works. Avoid group text for the actual conversation.
• Include all siblings if possible: If one sibling cannot participate, proceed but document that you tried to include everyone.

Frame the Conversation Effectively

• Lead with Mom's needs, not your exhaustion: Opening with "I'm so stressed" can make siblings defensive. Instead: "Mom's dementia has progressed and we need a family plan."
• Use facts and specific examples: "Mom can no longer prepare meals safely. She needs help bathing now. She asks the same questions 20 times a day."
• Emphasize this will get harder: "Right now she needs 15-20 hours of care per week. In six months, it could be 40+ hours."
• Frame it as team problem-solving: "I want us to figure out together how we can make sure Mom gets good care while not burning out any one person."

For understanding what to expect at different stages, see our dementia symptom progression timeline.

How Do I Ask for Specific Help Without Sounding Demanding?

Short answer: Use "I need" statements rather than "you should," present options rather than ultimatums, ask for commitment to specific tasks with deadlines, and acknowledge each sibling's constraints while also being clear about what must happen.

Effective Request Scripts

For hands-on care help:

• "I need someone to be responsible for Mom every Tuesday and Friday so I can have two days a week to handle my own life. Who can commit to that?"
• "I need someone to take over all her medical appointments. That means driving her, attending with her, and following up. Can you take that on?"

For financial contribution:

• "Hiring a home health aide three days a week will cost $600 per month. If we split that three ways, it's $200 each. Can everyone commit to that?"
• "I've been covering Mom's medications out of pocket. That's $300-$400 a month. I need to be reimbursed going forward."

For respite and breaks:

• "I need to take a week off in June. I need someone to either stay with Mom or arrange for her to stay somewhere else that week. Who can handle that?"

Acknowledge Constraints But Hold Firm on Needs

• "I know you live three hours away, so you can't do daily care. But you can contribute financially or come every other weekend. Which works better for you?"
• "I understand you're working full time. So am I, plus I'm doing 20 hours a week of caregiving. We all have commitments, which is why we need to share this."

What If Siblings Make Excuses or Refuse to Help?

Short answer: Respond to each common excuse with facts and alternatives. If they truly can't help with hands-on care, insist on financial contribution or other support. Document all conversations. If all siblings refuse, make unilateral decisions about care.

Common Excuses and How to Respond

When Siblings Simply Refuse

• Stop doing everything: Reduce what you're doing to what's sustainable for you.
• Make unilateral decisions: If they won't participate in planning, make decisions yourself and inform them afterward.
• Use parent's resources: Stop subsidizing care with your own money. Use your parent's assets to pay for help.
• Document everything: Keep records of all requests for help and who followed through.
• Consider mediation: A professional can facilitate more productive conversations.

For more on managing difficult behaviors and communication, see our guide on communication strategies.

When Should I Involve a Professional Mediator or Family Therapist?

Short answer: Bring in a professional if siblings won't engage in direct conversation, if discussions consistently escalate to yelling or accusations, if there's fundamental disagreement about what Mom needs, or if you're deadlocked on major decisions like facility placement.

Signs You Need Professional Mediation

• Communication has completely broken down: Siblings won't attend family meetings or respond to messages.
• Every conversation becomes a fight: Discussions escalate to yelling, accusations, or personal attacks.
• Siblings are accusing each other of bad motives: Claims about stealing money or avoiding responsibility.
• Fundamental disagreement about Mom's needs: One sibling thinks she's fine while you're seeing significant decline.
• Stalemate on major decisions: Can't agree on whether she should stay home or move to facility.

Types of Professional Help

• Elder care mediators: Specialists trained in facilitating family discussions about aging parent care.
• Family therapists: Can help siblings communicate more effectively and address underlying issues.
• Geriatric care managers: Assess your parent's needs and facilitate family meetings from a neutral perspective.
• Elder law attorneys: If disagreements involve legal issues (power of attorney, guardianship).

For more on what happens when care at home becomes unsustainable, see our guide on when to know it's time for memory care.

What If I'm the Only One Willing to Help and Siblings Won't Change?

Short answer: Stop martyring yourself. Do only what you can sustainably do, use your parent's resources to pay for professional help, make decisions without sibling input, and accept that some family relationships will be damaged but your survival matters more.

Radical Acceptance and Self-Protection

• Accept that they won't change: You've asked clearly. They've refused. Stop hoping or begging.
• Do only what's sustainable for you: You're not obligated to sacrifice your health or wellbeing.
• Hire professional help with parent's money: Her money should be spent on her care, not preserved for inheritance.
• Make unilateral decisions: If you have legal authority, make care decisions in Mom's best interest.
• Stop protecting siblings from consequences: If you reduce caregiving and needs aren't met, let siblings see that.
• Document everything for legal protection: Keep meticulous records of finances and medical decisions.
• Set boundaries on your availability: Stop answering every call about Mom. They can be informed on your schedule.
• Get your own support: Therapist, support groups, friends who understand.

For comprehensive guidance on protecting your own wellbeing, see our caregiver burnout guide.

What Should We Expect as Dementia Progresses?

Short answer: Sibling involvement (or lack thereof) often becomes more pronounced as care needs increase. Some siblings step up when faced with crisis, others distance themselves further. The caregiver burden question usually reaches a breaking point in middle to late-stage dementia.

• Early stage: Often one sibling takes lead naturally. Others may be in denial that help is needed. This is when to establish shared responsibility.
• Middle stage: Care needs are undeniable and consuming. Resentment between caregiving and non-caregiving siblings peaks. Often a crisis forces a reckoning.
• Late stage: If siblings haven't worked it out by now, the primary caregiver either burns out, makes unilateral decisions about placement, or in some cases, reduces involvement.

Right now, make clear, direct requests for specific help. Document who helps and who doesn't. If siblings continue refusing as dementia progresses, accept that you may need to make hard decisions without their support. Your goal is to get through this with your health intact.

How CareThru Can Help You Coordinate with Siblings

When siblings are helping (or supposed to be helping), coordinating everyone's schedules, tasks, and communication becomes complicated. CareThru makes it easier.

You can share access with siblings so everyone sees the same information: medication schedules, upcoming appointments, care tasks that need doing, and updates about Mom's condition. This eliminates excuses like "I didn't know she had an appointment."

You can assign tasks to specific family members and track whether they're completed. This creates accountability and makes it visible who is and isn't following through on commitments.

You can document all care activities you're doing, which provides clear evidence of the scope of work when you need to show siblings what's actually involved.

Frequently Asked Questions About Getting Siblings to Help

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional family therapy, legal advice, or mediation services. Family caregiving situations can involve complex legal and emotional issues that may require professional guidance.

Final Thoughts: You Deserve Support

You didn't sign up to be the only child carrying the entire weight of your parent's dementia care. It happened gradually: you lived closest, or you were the first to notice Mom's decline, or you were the only one willing to step up initially. Now you're trapped in a role that's consuming your life while siblings live theirs seemingly unburdened.

You're not wrong to need and want help. You're not weak for asking. You're not being demanding by expecting your siblings to share responsibility for the parent who raised all of you. This is their parent too, and they have obligations even if they're avoiding them.

Some siblings will step up when asked directly. Others won't no matter what you say or how you ask. What matters is that you try—clearly, specifically, without hint or apology—and that you make decisions based on the reality of who actually shows up rather than who you wish would show up.

Your survival matters more than keeping peace or protecting siblings from the discomfort of caregiving. Ask for help. Demand help. And if you don't get it, make whatever decisions you need to make to protect yourself.

For more support on your caregiving journey, explore our resources on signs of caregiver burnout and recognizing when it's time for memory care. You're not alone in this, even when it feels like you are.