When a Person with Dementia Accuses You of Stealing: How to Respond

When your loved one with dementia looks you in the eye and accuses you of stealing their wallet, jewelry, or money, it feels like a punch to the gut. You've given up your time, your energy, and maybe even your job to care for them, and now they're treating you like a criminal. The accusation feels personal, hurtful, and deeply unfair.

But here's what you need to know: these accusations aren't about you. They're a symptom of dementia. Your loved one genuinely believes their belongings are missing, and their damaged brain is trying to make sense of that confusion by creating an explanation. Unfortunately, you're often the target because you're the person closest to them, the one who's always there. The accusation is a sign of their fear and confusion, not a reflection of how they truly feel about you or the care you provide.

In this guide, you'll learn why people with dementia make false accusations of theft, how to respond without making things worse, practical strategies for preventing accusations, and how to protect yourself emotionally when these painful moments happen. You'll also find scripts and techniques that actually work in real situations.

For comprehensive guidance on dementia care, see our dementia care guide.

If You Only Do 3 Things in the First 24 Hours

Why Do People with Dementia Accuse Others of Stealing?

Short answer: Memory loss makes them unable to remember where they put things, and their brain fills in the gap with an explanation that makes sense: someone must have taken it. You're accused because you're present and familiar.

When someone with dementia can't find something, they face a frightening gap in their understanding. They don't remember moving the item, hiding it, or even using it. But they know it's gone. The brain, trying to make sense of this confusion, creates a narrative: "If I didn't move it, someone else must have taken it."

Common Reasons for Theft Accusations

• Memory loss and misplacing items: Your loved one puts their glasses in the refrigerator, their wallet in a shoe, or their keys in a drawer they never use. When they can't find these items later, they have no memory of moving them. The only explanation that makes sense is theft.
• Loss of object permanence: People with dementia sometimes lose the understanding that objects exist even when they can't see them. If they can't see their purse right now, they believe it's gone forever, rather than just in another room.
• Paranoia and delusions: Dementia can cause paranoia, where your loved one becomes suspicious and mistrustful of everyone around them, even people they've trusted for decades. Accusations of theft are a common manifestation of this symptom.
• Need for control and explanation: Dementia causes a terrifying loss of control. Accusing someone of theft gives your loved one a sense of agency. It's not that they're losing their mind; it's that someone is doing something to them. This feels more manageable than the reality of cognitive decline.
• You're the safest target: Paradoxically, caregivers are often accused because you're the person they feel safest with. They can express anger and fear toward you without risking abandonment in the way they might if they accused a stranger or casual visitor.
• Past experiences with actual theft: If your loved one was robbed or taken advantage of earlier in life, those memories might resurface and blend with current confusion, making them more prone to believing theft is happening now.

Understanding that this is brain damage, not a character judgment, will help you respond with less hurt and more effectiveness. For more on understanding dementia progression, see our dementia symptom progression timeline.

How Should I Respond When Accused of Stealing?

Short answer: Stay calm, don't argue or defend yourself, validate their distress, and help them search for the missing item. Once it's found, redirect to a calming activity.

Your instinct will be to defend yourself, prove your innocence, or point out that you would never steal from them. Resist this urge. Logic and evidence don't work with dementia. Arguing only escalates their agitation and damages trust.

Example Script

Loved one: "You stole my money! I had $50 and now it's gone!"

You: "I can see you're really worried about your money. That would upset me too. Let's look for it together. Where did you last remember having it?"

Loved one: "It was right here on the dresser! You took it!"

You: "Let's check all your usual places. Sometimes things fall behind furniture." (Begin searching with them, checking pockets, drawers, purse.)

You: (Finding money in coat pocket) "Here it is! It was in your coat pocket. You must have put it there to keep it safe. I'm so glad we found it."

For more communication strategies that reduce conflict, see our guide on how to talk to someone with dementia.

What If I Can't Find the Missing Item or It Never Existed?

Short answer: If the item isn't found after a reasonable search, validate their loss, express empathy, and gently distract to something else. Don't keep searching indefinitely or try to prove it was never there.

Sometimes the item truly is lost, was thrown away weeks ago, or never existed in the form they remember. Searching indefinitely just prolongs their agitation.

When You Can't Find the Item

• Set a time limit on searching. After 10 to 15 minutes of looking, it's okay to stop. Say "We've looked in all the usual places. Maybe it will turn up later. Let's have a snack and rest for a bit."
• Validate their loss. "I know you're disappointed we couldn't find it. That's really frustrating." Don't minimize their feelings.
• Offer a substitute if appropriate. If they're looking for a specific necklace they wore decades ago that no longer exists, could you offer a different necklace? Sometimes a substitute satisfies the need.
• Distract and redirect. Once you've acknowledged their distress, gently guide them to an activity that engages their attention: music, a walk, looking at photos, or a snack.
• Revisit later if needed. Sometimes after being distracted for 20 minutes, they'll forget about the missing item entirely. Other times, the accusation will resurface. If it keeps coming up, you may need to address an underlying need (anxiety, boredom, need for control).

If the Item Never Existed

Don't try to convince them it wasn't real. Their brain is convinced it was there. Instead, validate the feeling: "It sounds like you're missing something important. That must feel upsetting." Then redirect.

How Can I Prevent Accusations of Stealing from Happening?

Short answer: Create designated spots for important items, use duplicates for frequently lost objects, reduce clutter, and help them organize their belongings proactively rather than waiting for things to go missing.

While you can't completely prevent accusations in someone with dementia, you can reduce their frequency by making the environment less confusing.

Organizational Strategies

• Create a "landing zone" for essentials. Designate one specific spot for wallet, keys, glasses, and phone. A basket, tray, or hook by the door works well. Help your loved one put items there every time.
• Use duplicates. Buy two or three pairs of reading glasses and keep them in different locations. Have backup keys, an extra wallet with small amounts of cash, or duplicate jewelry. When one goes missing, you can produce the duplicate.
• Label and photograph important spots. Take photos of items in their designated locations. When your loved one insists something is missing, you can show them the photo: "Here's your jewelry box. Let's check there."
• Reduce clutter and hiding spots. The more places items can be lost, the more often accusations will happen. Simplify their living space. Fewer drawers, cabinets, and piles mean fewer places things can disappear.
• Check wastebaskets before emptying. People with dementia sometimes throw away valuables. Always check trash cans, pockets before doing laundry, and anywhere items might accidentally end up.
• Secure truly valuable items. If there are irreplaceable heirlooms or expensive jewelry your loved one repeatedly loses and accuses you of stealing, consider storing them safely and giving your loved one costume jewelry instead. Their emotional attachment will transfer to the substitute.

Routine and Predictability

• Establish routines for where things go. After using glasses, they always go on the nightstand. After using the phone, it goes in the charger. The more automatic these routines become, the less often things go missing.
• Do regular "inventory checks" together. Once a day, help your loved one check that their wallet, keys, and other important items are in their designated spots. This proactive approach prevents them from discovering items missing when they're already anxious.

For more on creating structure that reduces confusion and anxiety, see our guide on creating daily routines for someone with dementia.

What If They Accuse Me in Front of Other People?

Short answer: Stay calm and don't defend yourself to the audience. Focus on soothing your loved one. Later, privately explain to witnesses that accusations are a symptom of dementia, not reality.

Being accused of theft in front of family members, healthcare workers, or strangers is humiliating and enraging. It's natural to want to immediately set the record straight. But in the moment, your priority needs to be calming your loved one.

In the Moment

• Address your loved one, not the audience. Don't look at the other people and say "This isn't true, they have dementia." Keep your focus on your loved one: "I can see you're upset. Let's find your purse."
• Let others see you respond with compassion. Your calm, patient response demonstrates that you're a caring person dealing with a difficult symptom. Most people will recognize this.
• If a witness seems alarmed or judgmental, briefly acknowledge it. You can say quietly to them "This is a symptom of their dementia" and then return your attention to your loved one.

After the Incident

• Talk to witnesses privately. Explain: "I know that was uncomfortable. Accusations of theft are a common symptom of dementia. They genuinely believe things are missing, and their brain creates an explanation. It's not personal, even though it feels that way."
• Educate family members who don't understand. Some relatives may take the accusation at face value if they don't understand dementia. Provide them with information about this symptom or ask their doctor to explain it at the next appointment.
• Protect yourself legally if needed. If you're concerned that accusations could lead to legal problems (especially if you have power of attorney over finances), document your financial management, keep receipts, and consider having another family member or professional co-manage accounts.
• Set boundaries with people who don't believe you. If family members continue to treat you with suspicion despite education about dementia symptoms, you may need to step back from caregiving or involve a third party (social worker, mediator) to address the family conflict.

How Do I Cope Emotionally When Someone I Love Accuses Me of Stealing?

Short answer: Remember this is the disease, not the person. Talk to someone who understands dementia caregiving, take breaks when possible, and consider counseling if the emotional toll becomes overwhelming.

These accusations hurt deeply, especially when you've sacrificed so much to provide care. Your feelings of anger, betrayal, and heartbreak are completely valid.

What Should We Expect as Dementia Progresses?

Short answer: Accusations of theft are most common in middle-stage dementia and may decrease in later stages as cognitive decline advances. However, paranoia can persist or worsen, requiring ongoing management strategies.

Accusations of stealing typically follow a pattern through the disease progression:

• Early stage: Accusations may be infrequent and mostly related to genuinely misplaced items. Your loved one might still have some insight and feel embarrassed after accusing you.
• Middle stage: This is when accusations typically peak. Your loved one has significant memory loss and may develop paranoia. They lose insight into their condition, so accusations feel completely real to them. This stage can last for years.
• Late stage: As cognitive abilities decline further, accusations may decrease because your loved one can no longer track their belongings or form coherent accusations. However, general suspiciousness or agitation may continue in other forms.

Plan in layers: Right now, focus on responding without escalating and protecting your emotional wellbeing. Over the next few months, work on environmental strategies to reduce lost items and accusations. As the disease progresses, you may need to consider whether you can continue as the primary caregiver or whether professional care would be better for both of you. Each stage requires different strategies and different levels of support.

For guidance on what each stage looks like, see our dementia symptom progression timeline.

How CareThru Can Help with Managing Accusations and Difficult Behaviors

Dealing with false accusations is exhausting and isolating, especially when you're trying to manage everything else in your loved one's care.

CareThru lets you document when accusations happen, what triggered them, and what response worked. Over time, you'll see patterns. Maybe accusations always follow doctor appointments, or they happen more in the late afternoon, or they're worse when certain family members visit. This information helps you anticipate and prevent some incidents.

You can also share these notes with other family members or healthcare providers so everyone understands what you're dealing with. When you can show a pattern of this behavior, it's easier for others to understand it's a symptom, not a true accusation.

CareThru also helps you track your loved one's overall behavior changes so you can report them accurately to their doctor. If accusations suddenly increase or become more aggressive, that might signal a need for medication adjustment or treatment of an underlying issue like a urinary tract infection.

Frequently Asked Questions About Accusations of Stealing in Dementia

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical, legal, or mental health advice. Always consult with appropriate professionals when dealing with challenging dementia behaviors or caregiver distress.

Final Thoughts: This Is the Disease, Not Your Loved One

Being accused of stealing by someone you love and care for is one of the most painful aspects of dementia caregiving. It feels like betrayal. It makes you question whether your sacrifices are worth it. It damages the relationship in ways that are hard to repair, especially when your loved one won't remember the accusation tomorrow but you'll carry the hurt for much longer.

But here's what you need to hold onto: this is dementia talking, not the person you love. The accusation comes from confusion, fear, and a brain that's desperately trying to make sense of a reality it can no longer process correctly. Your loved one isn't choosing to hurt you. Their broken brain is creating a narrative that feels true to them in that moment.

You're allowed to be hurt. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to need a break. And you're allowed to recognize when the emotional toll is too high and consider other care arrangements. None of that makes you a bad person or a failure as a caregiver.

What you're doing is incredibly hard. Keep reaching out for support, keep taking breaks when you can, and keep reminding yourself that the person you love is still in there, even when the disease makes them say things that cut deep.

For more support on your caregiving journey, explore our resources on handling repetitive questions and when to know it's time for memory care. You're not alone in this.