How to Tell Someone with Dementia They Are Moving: Navigating a Difficult Conversation

When the day comes to tell your loved one with dementia that they're moving to memory care or another living situation, the dread is overwhelming. Will they understand? Will they feel betrayed? Will they cry, rage, or refuse to go? How much advance warning should you give? And how do you tell someone you love that you're moving them somewhere they don't want to go, knowing they may never fully understand why?

You might be tempted to avoid the conversation entirely. Maybe just show up with the car packed and hope they'll go along without questions. Or perhaps you've been dropping hints for weeks, trying to prepare them, but they forget every conversation and you're starting over each time. Maybe they still have enough awareness to understand, and you're terrified of the pain and anger you'll see in their eyes when you tell them.

The truth is there's no perfect way to do this. Dementia makes honest communication about difficult transitions nearly impossible. Your loved one's ability to understand, remember, and process this information is impaired by the very disease that's making the move necessary. But how you approach this conversation can affect how traumatic the transition is for both of you. Understanding what to say, when to say it, how much detail to provide, and how to handle their reaction can make this impossible moment slightly less awful.

In this guide, you'll learn when and how to tell them, what words to use based on their level of awareness, how to handle their reaction, whether therapeutic fibs are appropriate, what to do on moving day, and how to help them adjust after the move.

If You Only Do 3 Things in the First 24 Hours

How Do I Know What Approach to Use Based on Their Cognitive Level?

Short answer: Their stage of dementia determines everything about how you tell them. Early-stage can handle honest conversation with some advance notice. Middle-stage needs simple explanation with less advance warning. Late-stage needs minimal verbal explanation and focus on comfort and familiarity in the moment.

Assessing Their Cognitive Level

• Can they remember conversations from yesterday? If yes, likely early to mild dementia. If no, moderate or advanced.
• Do they understand cause and effect? "We're moving you because you need more care." If they can understand this logic, early to moderate.
• How long do they retain new information? Days (early), hours (moderate), minutes or not at all (advanced).
• Can they participate in discussion and express preferences? If yes, early to moderate. If no, advanced.

Mild/Early-Stage Dementia (Still Relatively Aware)

Approach: Honest conversation with compassion. Limited advance notice (1-3 days, not weeks).

What to say: "We need to talk about your care. Your needs have increased to where it's not safe for you to stay here anymore. We've found a place called [name] where they specialize in caring for people with memory issues. You'll move there on [date]. I know this isn't what you want, and I'm sorry. But this is what needs to happen for your safety."

Key points: Be honest but gentle, explain the "why" (safety, care needs), acknowledge their feelings, don't give so much advance notice they ruminate for weeks, expect them to forget and need reminders.

Moderate/Middle-Stage Dementia (Significant Memory Loss)

Approach: Simple explanation with minimal advance notice (same day or day before). Use therapeutic fibs if helpful. Focus on positive aspects.

What to say: "Today we're going to visit a new place where people will help take care of you. It's very nice there and I'll visit you all the time." Or: "The doctor says you need to stay at a special place for a while where nurses can help you feel better."

Key points: Keep explanation very simple, frame it positively or as temporary, don't give days of advance warning, therapeutic fibs are okay, distract and redirect rather than lengthy explanations.

Advanced/Late-Stage Dementia (Minimal Awareness)

Approach: Minimal verbal explanation. Focus on comfort, familiar people, and gentle transition. They may not understand words but will sense emotions.

What to say: "We're going for a ride. I'm here with you. You're safe." Focus on tone and presence more than words.

Key points: Don't expect them to understand explanation, keep them calm and comfortable, familiar person should be present, bring familiar items immediately, tone of voice matters most.

For more on communication strategies at different dementia stages, see our guide on how to talk to someone with dementia.

What Exactly Should I Say?

Short answer: Match your words to their cognitive level, be calm and matter-of-fact, acknowledge difficulty without dwelling on it, give only necessary information, and be prepared to repeat. Use therapeutic fibs when they reduce distress without causing harm.

For Someone with Mild Dementia (Can Understand)

Direct and honest: "Mom, we need to talk about something difficult. Your care needs have increased to where it's not safe for you to stay in this house alone anymore, even with me helping. We've found a memory care community called [name] where they have staff trained to help people with memory issues. You're going to move there on Saturday. I know this isn't what you want. I don't love it either. But I've thought about this carefully, talked to your doctor, and this is what needs to happen to keep you safe."

For Someone with Moderate Dementia (Limited Understanding)

Simple and positive: "Today we're going to go visit a new place. It's very nice and they have people there who will help take care of you. You'll have your own room and I'll come see you all the time. Let's get ready to go."

For Someone with Advanced Dementia (Minimal Understanding)

Comfort focused: "We're going to go for a ride now. I'm right here with you. You're safe. Here's your favorite blanket. Let's go together."

For more on using therapeutic fibs appropriately, see our guide on handling repetitive questions.

When Should I Tell Them? How Much Advance Notice?

Short answer: Less advance notice is usually better. Mild dementia: 1-3 days. Moderate dementia: same day or day before. Advanced dementia: minimal or no advance notice, just focus on the present moment during the transition.

Why Less Advance Notice Is Often Better

• They'll forget and you'll repeat endlessly: If you tell them a week in advance, you'll have the same terrible conversation dozens of times.
• Anticipation creates prolonged anxiety: Time to think about it means time to worry and suffer without being able to process it effectively.
• They can't plan or prepare anyway: The advance notice serves no functional purpose for someone with dementia.
• Each time you repeat it, it's fresh devastation: You're causing repeated trauma.

Timing Guidelines by Stage

Mild/Early dementia:

• 1-3 days advance notice, maximum
• One initial conversation, then brief reminders
• Don't surprise them completely, but don't give weeks of notice

Moderate dementia:

• Same day or day before
• Very simple explanation when they wake up that day
• Frame as something happening "today" rather than giving timeline

Advanced dementia:

• No advance notice needed
• Focus on the transition itself being calm
• Explain each step in the moment: "We're getting in the car now."

How Do I Handle Their Reaction When I Tell Them?

Short answer: Expect distress, anger, grief, or refusal. Stay calm, validate their feelings, don't argue or over-explain, use distraction and redirection, and remember that intense reactions often fade faster than you expect.

Common Reactions and Responses

What to Do in the Moment

• Stay calm yourself: Your anxiety transfers to them. Breathe. Speak in calm, even tone.
• Validate without agreeing: "I hear that you're upset" not "You're right, this is terrible."
• Keep explanations brief: Don't launch into lengthy justifications when they're emotional.
• Use distraction: "Let's have some lunch and talk about it." Often helps them resettle.
• Physical comfort if accepted: Touch, hugs, presence.

Are Therapeutic Fibs Okay? When Should I Use Them?

Short answer: Yes, therapeutic fibs that reduce distress and don't cause harm are not only okay but often kinder than brutal honesty. Use them liberally for moderate to advanced dementia. For mild dementia, use more sparingly and when they serve a compassionate purpose.

When Therapeutic Fibs Are Appropriate

• When truth causes repeated, pointless suffering: If telling them "this is permanent" makes them panic every time and they forget anyway, "you're staying here for a while" is kinder.
• When they can't process complex truth: "The doctor says you should stay here" is simple and acceptable.
• When temporary framing reduces resistance: "Just for a little while" gets them through the door without a fight.
• When it preserves dignity: Feels less like loss of independence.

Examples of Helpful Therapeutic Fibs

• "This is temporary" (when it's actually permanent, but they can't process permanent)
• "The doctor says you need this" (gives them an acceptable authority figure)
• "You're going to a rehabilitation center" (sounds temporary and medically necessary)
• "We're just visiting" (gets them in the door, and by tomorrow they won't remember)
• "Let's go check it out" (implies choice without actually giving it)

The guiding principle: Is honesty serving them, or is it serving your guilt about "lying"? If honesty just makes them suffer and they can't even hold onto the truth, therapeutic fibs are more compassionate.

What Do I Do on the Actual Moving Day?

Short answer: Keep the day as calm and routine as possible, have a trusted person with them throughout, bring familiar items immediately, keep explanations minimal and focused on the present moment, and expect to stay with them for several hours to help with initial settling.

Before You Leave Home

• Keep morning routine as normal as possible: Regular breakfast, getting dressed. Don't make the morning feel extraordinary or alarming.
• Don't talk about the move repeatedly: One brief mention as you're getting ready.
• Have their favorite items packed and ready: Don't make them watch you pack (anxiety-inducing).

Arriving at the Facility

• Have staff prepared: They should know this is moving day and how to help with the transition.
• Go directly to their room: Don't tour the whole facility. Just get them to their personal space.
• Unpack familiar items immediately: Put out photos, their blanket on the bed. Make it feel personal immediately.
• Stay for initial settling: Plan to stay 2-4 hours. Have a meal with them.

When to Leave

• Look for a calm moment: When they're engaged in something, not when they're actively distressed.
• Keep goodbye brief: "I'm going to go now. I'll come back tomorrow. I love you." Don't make it a prolonged emotional scene.
• Leave even if they're upset: This is hard, but staying longer often doesn't help. Staff can usually settle them after you leave.

For more on what to expect during the adjustment period, see our guide on how to choose a memory care facility.

How Do I Help Them Adjust in the Days and Weeks After the Move?

Short answer: Visit regularly but not constantly, bring familiar items and photos, communicate with staff about what helps them settle, be patient through the adjustment period (2-6 weeks), resist urge to bring them home based on initial distress, and focus on building new relationship as visitor rather than caregiver.

Visiting Schedule

• First few days: Daily short visits. 30-60 minutes. Enough to provide reassurance, not so long they never bond with staff.
• After first week: Regular but less frequent. Maybe 3-4 times per week. Consistent schedule helps them know when to expect you.
• Quality over quantity: Engaged, present short visits better than long distracted visits.

What to Do During Visits

• Participate in activities with them: Join them for a meal, do an activity together.
• Be positive about the place: "Your room looks nice." Don't critique the facility in front of them.
• Don't ask if they want to go home: This just reminds them they're not home and creates false hope.
• Keep visits pleasant: Focus on connection.

Managing Your Own Guilt

• Expect to feel awful initially: Every time they say "take me home" you'll question your decision. This is normal.
• Give it adequate time: Most people adjust within 4-6 weeks. Some take longer.
• Get support: Therapy, support groups. You need to process your own grief and guilt.
• Remember why you made this decision: Review the safety incidents, the medical recommendations.

For more on processing the complex grief of this transition, see our guide on grief and ambiguous loss in dementia.

What Should We Expect as They Settle Into the New Environment?

Short answer: Expect 2-6 weeks of adjustment where they may be upset, confused, or repeatedly ask to go home. Most people eventually settle, develop new routines, and some even thrive with structure and socialization. Your relationship changes but can remain meaningful.

Typical Adjustment Timeline

• Week 1: Usually worst. Confusion, distress, repeated requests to go home. This is when you'll question your decision most.
• Week 2-3: Often starts to improve. They begin recognizing staff, adapting to routine. Still may ask to go home but less frequently.
• Week 4-6: Many residents are reasonably settled. May still have moments of wanting to leave but show signs of comfort.
• Beyond 6 weeks: Most people who are going to adjust have adjusted. They may not love it, but they're functioning.

Positive Changes Many Families See

• Better care than at home: Regular meals, medication management, hygiene care.
• Social interaction: Many benefit from being around others and having structured activities.
• Your relationship improves: You can be family again, not exhausted caregiver.
• They may not remember being upset about the move: After a few weeks, many don't remember being moved at all.

For understanding the trajectory of dementia and care needs, see our dementia symptom progression timeline.

How CareThru Can Help You Through This Transition

Managing this difficult transition requires organization when emotions are running high.

CareThru helps you document your loved one's cognitive level, care needs, and responses to different approaches. This information helps you make decisions about how to handle the conversation and move.

After the move, CareThru helps you track visiting schedules, communicate with facility staff, and maintain records of your loved one's adjustment and wellbeing.

You can also use CareThru to share information with family members about how the transition is going, reducing the need for constant updates.

Frequently Asked Questions About Telling Someone with Dementia They're Moving

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for medical advice, legal advice, or professional eldercare counseling. Consult appropriate professionals for guidance on capacity, legal authority, and care decisions.

Final Thoughts: There Is No Perfect Way to Do This

You're about to tell someone you love that you're moving them to a place they don't want to go, for reasons they may not fully understand, permanently changing their life in a way that will distress them. There is no way to make this gentle, easy, or painless. There are only ways to make it slightly less traumatic.

The guilt you feel is real and probably won't fully go away. Every time they ask to come home, you'll wonder if you made the right choice. Every tear they shed will feel like your fault. But here's what you need to remember: you're making this decision because staying home is no longer safe or feasible. The alternative isn't them living happily at home. The alternative is a crisis placement after a catastrophic event, which would be far more traumatic.

You can't control how they react. You can't make them understand if their brain won't hold the information. You can't eliminate their distress or your guilt. But you can be present, calm, and compassionate through the transition. You can visit regularly and maintain connection. You can ensure they're safe and cared for even if they're not happy about where they live.

This is one of the hardest things you'll do as a caregiver. Give yourself grace for however imperfectly you manage it. Perfect doesn't exist here. Good enough is the best any of us can do.

For more support through this transition, explore our resources on talking to family about the move, choosing a memory care facility, and taking breaks without guilt. You're doing something extraordinarily difficult, and you deserve support.